


My Broken Oath

by RumCove



Series: My Hypocritical Hippocrates [1]
Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Doctor Cox is jealous, Ethical Dilemmas, JD drinks scotch, JD has no impulse control, M/M, like none, sexy accents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27786595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RumCove/pseuds/RumCove
Summary: JD makes a mistake. A really big mistake. A really dumb one that he should have absolutely avoided.Doctor Cox is, as usual, livid. But for different reasons than usual and this one might just push him over the edge.
Relationships: Perry Cox/John "JD" Dorian
Series: My Hypocritical Hippocrates [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2118183
Comments: 24
Kudos: 107





	My Broken Oath

**Author's Note:**

> Well, hello.
> 
> If you're a regular reader, you may be thinking "Rum, you said you'd get an omega fic up soon after finishing MUT". Yeah... writer's block. However, I had the idea for this and it wouldn't go away. So I wrote this. 
> 
> I should have the omegafic and another (longer) Scrubs fic up before Christmas. 
> 
> If you're not a regular reader; hiii. Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> This is a bit different from my previous works, in that it's not really AU, I was trying to do something a bit closer to the original material. It also has bi JD being a bit repressed and bi Perry being not very repressed, which appears to be a theme with me. As is jealous Perry, panicking JD and JD getting rained on.

**My Broken Oath**

**By RumCove**

Disclaimer: Scrubs original characters belong to Bill Lawrence and NBC/ABC/Doozer Productions etc. Basically, not owned by me. I own my OCs.

_Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves._

Edelstein’s translation of a section of the Hippocratic Oath

Look. Look, this isn’t… I didn’t mean for this to happen, alright? There’s lots of excuses and reasons around it happening that I can come up with, but… well, sure, they’re excuses. I know that. I _know_ it, alright? Do you seriously think that I’m not ashamed of myself? That I don’t feel like I’m about to puke?

I know I deserve all the shit that’s about to happen. I’m not denying that. And, staring at the material of the examination table in front of me and feeling nauseous, all I can do is wish that it hadn’t been _him_ who discovered this. Like he didn’t already think the worst of me.

All I can do is wish that and also wonder how the hell I even got into this stupid situation to begin with.

\- - - - -

Well, I guess since I’m in the shit now I should really go through all of the activities leading up to it. So I can really obsess and be neurotic over all of my failures. Pick it all apart and put it under a microscope. Then I can write a treatise on it; _‘All of the ways that JD is a total loser and disgrace’._ Great.

And, I suppose, I have to be honest as well. So I should start with the Big One, the thing I try not to let people realise. I’m bi.

Yeah yeah, I know what you’re thinking; _but JD! You only date girls! Hot girls! And you always reject the idea that you might be even a bit into guys._

Well, I assume you’re thinking that? Although I’m pretty sure some people (Carla, looking at you) would just ask why I’d expect them to be surprised.

I know it’s the twenty first century. I know there’s nothing wrong with it. But… look, some stuff happened when I was a teenager. I don’t wanna talk about it and it’s not really worth the discussion anyway, so let’s just leave it at that. This was compounded by my going to college and rooming with a guy who was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of dudes boning dudes.

Turk’s not homophobic, exactly. But he didn’t like the idea of guys being with guys – I guess maybe it’s the religious thing? – and I really liked Turk. He was cool and fun and seemed to like me being my dorky weird self. And I remember how relieved he looked when I said something about having a crush on one of the girls that we both knew. So I let him think I was straight. Initially that started out as me just not mentioning stuff – like when I had hooked up with guys – but eventually led to me outright lying. Sneaking around. Asking guys not to tell. Occasionally being blackmailed by aforesaid guys so I wasn’t outed against my will.

I’m not looking for sympathy or anything here. I’m just trying to explain how I ended up with this weird scenario I basically created where I ended up dating girls and sometimes hooking up with guys. With the guys I could always explain it away as horniness. I never _dated_ guys, never had romantic feelings for them. It was just sex.

That’s what I told myself, anyway. Sometimes I wonder whether I’d have felt anything for any of the guys I hooked up with if I allowed myself to. I’d get pissed off at myself for basically repressing any feelings like that. It makes me a pretty terrible person, I think. Almost like I think that sort of relationship isn’t as _real_ as one with a girl. And of course they are and can be, but… but… oh, screw it. It’s not exactly a crime, right? Getting my kicks that way?

I remember one guy commenting the morning after: “Hey, JD, for someone who pretends to be straight all the time you sure love getting fucked.”

I didn’t speak to him again. Which was kinda awkward, since he was one of Turk’s buddies. But he’d hurt my pride and – likely – pointed out something I didn’t want pointing out.

It shouldn’t really hurt my pride. It _shouldn’t_. I keep telling myself that and… and maybe if some things hadn’t happened then… then maybe I’d feel different. But it’s too late now. I’m kind of stuck like this.

Anyway, I’m digressing. The point is – I like having no strings sex with dudes. But after graduating college it got a bit more difficult to get hook ups the way I had before. Anyone at Sacred Heart was off limits, as it was just too gossipy and risky. (Also, who the hell would I hook up with? The Todd? Please…)

So I pretty much stopped and just pursued relationships with girls. That was fine. Of course that was fine. I kept telling myself I wasn’t denying my real self, as my real self is bi not gay, so it’s fine.

I ended up at a couple gay bars a few times, got a bit of action, but not for over a year.

I’m kinda blaming that actually. Might explain how utterly dumb I’ve just been.

Because, you see, all of this fell apart about two weeks ago. It was a normal day, I was doing rounds with Doctor Cox, who was berating me as normal and calling me Lucy. Totally standard.

“Say, Heather, who’s next on your list of sadsacks in this hellhole that I have to go babysit you with?”

“I don’t think you should call them sadsacks, Mr Anderson is clinically depressed.”

“My ass he is. Mr Anderson is just _old_ , you’d be depressed if you were four hundred as well.”

I frowned at him and he rolled his eyes back at me. “Oh, boohoo Newbie. Sorry for being _insensitive_ , but I’m sure you’ll make up for it. We balance each other out, I’ve met open wounds less sensitive than you.”

“The fact you think that’s an insult is concerning. We’re supposed to be sensitive.”

“I am not supposed to be _sensitive_ , I’m supposed to heal them. As much as is humanly possible and I’m allowed to by Satan, anyway. Who’s next, Rosie?”

“Mr Emmerson. He’s just been admitted with a rash, fever and nausea. And apparently a head laceration.”

Doctor Cox had briefly pulled the admission paperwork out of my hands to look at it, then shoved it back towards me. “More of a mystery than the usual bullshit we get. Ready to get your diagnostics equipment out, Nancy Drew?”

I’d snorted back and followed him through into the room of the unfortunately rashy Mr Emmerson. Then I froze.

The man was standing, shirtless, by the bed. His abs were like a washboard, a heavy tan over the expanse of muscled skin. He had long, wavy hair down to his shoulders, melting brown eyes and teeth so white they seemed to gleam when he turned and smiled at us.

There was also bright light, angels singing and a wind gently blowing through the room to ruffle his beautiful beach-wavy locks, but I’m pretty sure that was just in my head.

I couldn’t see a rash anywhere and I’m pretty sure I could see most of him.

My awestruck stare was interrupted by a shrill whistle and I jumped, then looked over at Doctor Cox. He quickly looked away from me and towards Mr Emmerson, but I could already tell how pissed off he was by the set of his shoulders. He glowered at the nearly naked Emmerson.

“Say, Dreamboat, I know the hospital robe isn’t exactly fashionable and probably doesn’t go with your choice of footwear, but how’s about you get into it? We don’t judge anyone’s fashion choices here and you standing around like that’s having an unfortunate effect on Denise here, she doesn’t get a view of a body like that in her personal time.”

Emmerson gave an apologetic grin. “Sorry doc. It’s just… y’know, it’s kinda itchy and-“

And, of course, he was Australian. I have a thing for Australian accents. I don’t really know why, but I do. I briefly felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“Robe. On. Now.”

Emmerson wasn’t really less distracting in the robe. He cheerfully insisted that we call him Noah and then submitted to Doctor Cox’s angry interrogation about his symptoms. Apparently the head laceration was from him falling off his surf board.

Yeah. He was a professional surfer. I know this is all a stereotype, I do _know_.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything during the diagnostics and just stood there, clutching the admission notes and trying desperately not to blush. It was – and I know this – kinda pathetic.

When we got out of Emmerson’s room, Doctor Cox rounded on me angrily. “Hey, Clarissa? I know I tell you to shut the hell up usually, but any particular reason you decided to actually do what I so fre-he-he-quently beg you to do every second that I’m in your company?”

I continued clutching the notes and stared at him blankly, trying desperately to think up some reason for my behavior. He lifted his eyebrows before crossing his arms, touching his nose and then recrossing his arms. Ah. Ah, I was in the shit.

“Now I know that you’re eh-heh-hever so excited to see one of the boys out of your fantasy diary, but-“

Oh, shit, that was too close to the truth. I squeaked and then tried desperately to cover.

“Nuh- no, Doctor Cox, it’s just…”

I trailed off and tried to dredge up something that he’d believe. His eyebrows were slowly but surely raising higher and I had to swallow down the impending daydream of them escaping from his forehead entirely.

Oh. Oh, daydreams. I could use that.

“Just… you know, I sometimes daydream?”

“Yeah, Newbie, I have noticed that.”

“Well… he kinda looked like-“ shit shit shit, think think think “um, like Poseidon.”

Oh, shit, that was from the surfing thing. Doctor Cox narrowed his eyes at me.

“Then how come you didn’t say something about seaweed or tridents or the other shit you always do?”

“Huh?”

“You didn’t look up and make that godannoying expression you always make. And you didn’t snap out of it and say something weird and awkward.”

He literally did the head tilt thing when he said that and rolled his eyes upwards in a cutesy way.

“I didn’t realize you paid so much attention to it.”

He looked away abruptly and then gave me an annoyed glance. “I _don’t_. And behave like a goddamn medical professional.”

He stalked off and I felt a twinge of relief.

\- - - - -

The relief was short-lived. Noah – Emmerson – whatever – the patient didn’t actually need a great deal of diagnostics. He’d had a hypersensitive reaction to a sort of larval form of aquatic invertebrate. I’d figured it out after a few days whilst looking through his blood tox results and excitedly told Doctor Cox. He’d looked at me boredly.

“Well done, Samantha. And, as a reward, you can go tell Patrick Swayze the good news.”

“Uh, but-“

“Don’t worry Keanu Reeves, I’ll be there to chaperone you. You know, in case you have more Poseidon daydreams.”

Yeah, he totally didn’t buy that.

And he meant it about chaperoning, as well. He stood in the corner of the room like an angry guard dog and stared at us both, leaning against the wall. Emmerson had given him a slightly freaked out look and then glanced back at me.

“Is this bad news?”

“Oh… oh, no, Mr Emmerson, it’s-“

“Please, call me Noah.”

Oh my God, it was like his voice had a direct line to my cock. Damn accent.

“Um, Noah, it’s nothing to be worried about. You’ve been surfing in some water with a high concentration of young invertebrates-“

“I’m sorry, pardon?”

I blushed and hated myself for my stupid capillaries. “Um. Jellyfish, I think is most likely.”

“Oh, I’ve been stung by jellyfish a few times. That shit hurts.”

“Yeah, well, these aren’t fully developed, they’d just be tiny. Well, it causes envenomation and then a pruritic rash-“

Doctor Cox snorted and then interrupted me. “Newbie, what the hell’s wrong with you? You sound like you just swallowed a medical textbook – or worse, like _Barbie_. Tell the nice nautical god in normal English, despite him not managing that whenever he speaks.”

“Sorry. Er, baby jellyfish were in the water you were surfing in and probably got trapped in your swimwear. And you had quite a strong reaction to it. It’s called – er, it’s called Seabather’s eruption.”

I’d gone bright red again. Why the hell does it have such a phallic sounding name, for God’s sake? When I glanced across at Noah he was grinning. For a second I thought he was amused by the name or just relieved it wasn’t something more serious. Until he very quietly murmured:

“You’re cute.”

I – impossibly – went even redder. And dropped the clipboard. Behind me I heard Doctor Cox angrily push away from the wall and ask “What the hell did you just say?”

“I asked if it was acute.”

I stooped down to pick up the notes and then straightened up, trying as best as possible to keep acting like he _hadn’t_ damn well said that. Oh God, that made it worse. It’s one thing to be ridiculously attracted to someone who looks like they should be in a damn underwear magazine, it’s another for the underwear model to tell you that he thinks you’re _cute_.

Why do guys always find me cute? Dammit, that’s not sexy, why can no one ever call me sexy?

“No, it’s pretty straight forward to treat. I’ll put you on a course of topical corticosteroids and some oral steroids and antihistamines, that should clear it up. And you should wash out your swimwear in fresh water in the future.”

Noah had grinned at me. “I didn’t really understand the first part of that, but does _topical_ mean-?”

“It means that a nurse’ll apply it,” Doctor Cox growled, caught me by the shoulder and propelled me out of the room.

\- - - - -

Over the next week Noah’s rash had cleared up and his forehead injury had healed well. Annoyingly, every time I went into his room to check up on him, Doctor Cox would apparently magically appear and lurk in the background, presumably concerned I was going to do something new and embarrassing and he’d miss the opportunity to see it and call me Debbie. He was also coming up with increasingly venomous nicknames for Noah, starting with ‘Crocodile Dundee’ and then rapidly descending into more offensive variations, including ‘wipeout himbo’. Noah seemed to take these with surprising levels of grace.

And then… today he got discharged. I’d felt a weird combination of relief and loss at that. I’d quite liked talking to him – the few times I’d managed to stammer out anything intelligible – and he was, obviously, ridiculously hot. But I knew Doctor Cox knew something was up and, honestly, what did I think was going to happen? Nothing, it was just the weird tingle I got around him. I could do without weird tingles, let’s face it. It was the best thing that I wasn’t going to see him again.

So I was shocked when I got paged into one of the examination rooms and found Noah sat there and smiling broadly at me. I’d looked at him blankly.

“Noah? I thought you were being discharged.”

“I am. But I’m a professional athlete, you know. I asked the nurse if I could have a check over by a doctor, you know, just to be on the safe side. I asked for you.”

I was blushing again. “Um. Thanks. That’s… er, that’s-“

“And I thought it’d be nice to see you without your bodyguard always hanging around.”

His grin had become wider and slightly predatory. I knew what he was hinting at. Oh God, I _knew_ what he was planning, why the hell didn’t I thank him for the professional confidence in me and then run out and find literally any other doctor? But, no, of course, because I’m a stupid, horny idiot I didn’t do that.

“Yeah, he is kind of annoying.”

“Kind of?”

I started doing basic diagnostics, focused on them, checked his eyes, ears, reflexes. Tried to ignore the way he was watching me, the way his fingers lingered on mine when I checked his respiratory rate. Ignored my own stupid physical reaction.

“Do you want to get a drink?”

I swallowed nervously. “I… uh, I don’t date… um…”

Noah had lifted his eyebrows. “Am I misreading something here?”

I gave him a worried look, not sure what to say. Then he grinned at me.

“That’s a real shame. But I get it. Don’t you think you should check on the Seabather’s eruption before you discharge me?”

I froze and then carefully said: “I thought that had cleared up.”

There was no question. I knew it had. He knew it had. I was barely breathing.

“I’d be a bit more reassured if you could just give me a final check, Doc.”

He abruptly stood up and hiked the gown up, then sat back down on the examination table. I stayed looking into his face, determined not to look down.

“If the nurse has said-“

“But I’d prefer you to check.”

I very quickly dropped my eyes down to his naked crotch and then hurriedly dragged them back up, ignoring that he was hard, ignoring that he was damn impressive.

“I can’t see any evidence of a rash.”

My voice sounded ridiculous, strained and high-pitched.

“Shouldn’t you look a bit closer? Just in case. It feels a bit… swollen.”

I sighed and pretended to study his erection, bending slightly to get a closer look. Unfortunately I then didn’t seem to be able to _stop_ looking, but tried my best to stop what by this point felt horribly inevitable.

“I can’t see anything unusual.”

His hand was on my shoulder, pushing me very gently further down. I could have easily resisted. He didn’t force me or anything, just a very slight suggestion that maybe I should move my face closer.

“Are you sure there’s nothing else you need to check on? Nothing you’d like to try to… do with it?”

I don’t really know what exactly it was. I mean, apart from the sexy accent. And that I’d not done this thing in over a year. And that he was gorgeous. And that his erection was actually very impressive and I’d wanted the damn thing inside of me before I’d ever even seen it. And that I was enormously horny. And that he called me cute.

So, I guess there were a few reasons. A few reasons that made me abruptly give in, collapse onto my knees and bury my face into his lap, his cock at the back of my throat, and start sucking him off like my life depended on it. His hands tightened into my hair and he quietly groaned “finally” to himself.

\- - - - -

I am pissed off. I’ve lost my damn minion.

It’s bad enough that I’ve spent the last week and a half shift switching to make sure I’m on the same rota as him. That is bad enough – and let’s not even consider the reason that I’m having to do this ridiculous, pointless activity. Babysitting him around the damn surfer king.

I growl softly to myself.

If that fucker hadn’t been discharged today I maybe would be more worried that I can’t find him right now. But I’ve checked and the room’s empty, his stupid handsome self has gone.

Not that I was worried. Or threatened.

I swear, he called Newbie _cute_.

Newbie is not _cute_. He’s a moron.

A missing moron.

I glower at the TV in the doctor’s lounge and try to figure out where the hell he could be.

Then I sigh and stand up. He’s not a moron human, he’s a goddamn moron puppy. I should find him before he does something dumb. Or makes a puddle somewhere or something.

\- - - - -

Noah pulled me off of him and I panted air desperately back into my lungs, trying not to protest that I hadn’t finished him off. Then he dragged me upright and then onto the examination table, kissing me hard and sliding his hands under my scrubs pants. I whimpered into his mouth as he took hold of my aching cock.

“You’re so excited from doing that.”

“We… we need to stop…”

“You don’t want to stop.”

I mean, he was stating the obvious. I fished around for some excuse.

“We don’t have… what we’d need, we can’t…”

Noah pulled me off of the examination table and yanked my scrubs pants down efficiently. Then he picked up a pot of medical lube and grinned at me.

“Seems we do.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s for prostate examinations, how sexy. And I meant-“

He then produced a rubber and I stopped mid-sentence before giving him an accusing glance. “You’ve been _planning_ this? Also, where the hell were you keeping that?”

He spun me back around and then lifted my left leg up to brace against the table. I shivered softly as he tugged off my sneaker and the scrubs pants and underwear tangled on my lifted leg and let them drop to the floor. Then he started to gently stroke my ass, sliding a finger along the cleft, dipping slightly. I dropped my head down and moaned, thrusting forward slightly, my hard cock pressed against the edge of the examining table.

“Do you want this?”

I could hear him opening the pot of lube – _hey, that’s for medical reasons_ – and tearing open the rubber packet.

I could still say no. This was wrong, I knew this was wrong. But it was so difficult to resist. It was so hard. And I was so goddamn hard.

“Yes,” I breathed softly, as he caught my lifted leg and pushed it higher so my heel was on the table and then started to stroke lubed-up fingers into me. My head rolled back to reach his mouth as he bent over me and I groaned as he kissed me. He whispered against my lips:

“Me too.”

\- - - - -

I’m not sure what draws me to examination room five. There’s an odd absence of noise. That’s the only way I can think to describe it.

Normally hospital rooms are filled with sound. Machines beeping. Feet scurrying around. Shouts. Laughter. Arguments. Crying.

Examination room five is silent, but the light is on. Probably someone just left it on. The janitor or someone.

I hesitate, my hand lingering over the handle. Then frown.

There _is_ a noise. Just then.

A soft moan. And… a rhythmic noise. A slight squeaking; I’ve noticed before that the damn examination table in there needs oiling. Even mentioned it to the damn janitor, for all the good that ever does.

I know that if I open this door I’m going to regret it.

I think I even know what’s going on in there, deep down. I’ve been ignoring it because it creates some pretty unwelcome emotions and thoughts from me that _definitely_ need ignoring.

Opening this door will make that impossible to ignore.

Back off, Perry. Walk away.

I’ve half-turned to do exactly that when there’s a louder noise. One that sounds pained.

Apparently acting on instinct, I return and walk through the door.

I normally crash through doors, loudly announce my presence. I’ve moved swiftly, thinking he’s hurt, but not loudly. So he doesn’t notice.

Emmerson has Newbie bent over the examination table, one of his legs up and braced against it, Emmerson’s hands on his hips as he fucks him. Newbie’s still got his scrubs top on and Emmerson’s got the damn hospital gown hanging off of him, giving me a ringside view of his ass really going for it as he screws my protégé. Newbie’s pants and underwear are tangled around the leg still braced against the ground. His back is arched and he’s making the noise I heard earlier, but now the door’s not muffling it I can identify it’s not a pained noise. Not at all.

Definitely judging by the way he just spasmed and shuddered, his body bucking up hard against Emmerson, his hands curling into fists which he gently pounds the table with. Some remote part of my brain notices that he’s still wearing latex gloves. His eyes are screwed closed, his forehead resting against the table. I can hear him panting harshly, then his breathing seems to stutter and –

“Good boy,” Emmerson groans softly as Newbie unravels underneath him and starts to orgasm hard, coating the edge and one of the legs of the examination table with semen. This seems to trigger Emmerson to speed up and he starts to mercilessly thrust into JD, chasing the happy ending Newbie’s already reached, which is now drooling down onto the floor.

Oh, look, he really did make a puddle, although not the type I was thinking of.

Newbie’s rolled his head to the side, his eyelashes fluttering as he rides out the rest of his orgasm, gasping softly, his hands uncurling from fists to splay one out by his lips and his other hand clasping his hair. Emmerson apparently notices this and grabs Newbie by the hair, continuing to fuck him hard as he holds him in place.

“This one of your kinks, Doc?”

A smile spreads across Newbie’s face and he opens his eyes, presumably to reply. Whatever he was about to say dies on his lips as he sees me standing silently in the corner. His eyes widen and he jerks sharply, clearly trying to dislodge Emmerson, a look of panic running over his face.

“Just hold still for a few more seconds, I’m nearly there.”

Newbie struggles slightly for a second longer and then gives me a look of absolute misery when he realizes he’s pinned in place. I back away and walk out, seeing him move to lie face first on the examination table as I do so and screw his eyes shut.

\- - - - -

Noah grunts and finally finishes. I stare blankly at the material of the examination table in front of me.

Oh, look, I’m all caught up.

I squirm around and he grumbles softly to himself before pulling out.

“Hey, I know you finished a little while ago, but you could let me hang onto the afterglow for a while.”

I scrabble off of the table and frantically pull my bunched up underwear and pants back up, flinching at how wet my ass feels when I get them back on. Too much damn lube, medical stuff isn’t like the sex play stuff, it’s way more effective. I look around the empty floor desperately.

“Where’s my sneaker?”

I look back at Noah, who’s looking annoyingly blissed out and happy. He lifts an eyebrow.

“I’ll give it back if you get onto your back for round two.”

“ _Round two_?” I drag my hands into my hair, trying and failing to keep my panic at bay. “You… you realize what I’ve just _done_? You realize how unethical this is?”

“Unethical?”

“I could get struck off for this! Now where’s my damn sneaker?”

“How’s it unethical? I fucked you.”

“You think that’s relevant?” I’m breathing harshly, trying to keep myself under control. Oh, dammit. Why do I have such terrible impulse control? _What have I done?_

_What has he seen?_

I see the sneaker behind Noah on the instrument table and snatch it up, dragging it onto my foot and then grabbing the clipboard and scribbling on it.

“There. You’re discharged.”

I’m about to turn on my heel and leave, then see the mess on the examination table. Oh geez. I grab some sterile wipes and start to clean up as quickly as I can.

“You’re being a bit cold, aren’t you? Does sex always put you in such a foul mood?”

I swab off the rest of the table and check there’s nothing left and then glance back at Noah. Open my mouth to retort, then sigh and glance down at the wipes clutched in my hand. Oh God, I’m still wearing gloves from the examination. Did Doctor Cox see that? _How much did he see?_

“My boss just walked in.”

Noah makes an odd aborted movement, like he was about to reach for me and then stopped himself. Then he sighs.

“Sorry, Doc.”

“Yeah. Yeah… it’s not good.”

“Go find him? Talk to him?”

I laugh humorlessly and then roll off the gloves, throwing them and the wipes into the medical trash. “Like he’ll listen.”

“Tell them I initiated it, that I-“

I sigh. “That doesn’t make a difference. Thanks, but… but it doesn’t make a difference. And it shouldn’t either. I’m sorry. That was incredibly unprofessional of me.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I shake my head. “I really did. I think I need to go try figure out what the hell to do now.”

“Good luck.”

I grin humorlessly. “Thanks. I think I’m gonna need it.”

\- - - - -

Doctor Cox is not in Sacred Heart. He is definitely on shift, but he’s not here. I’ve looked everywhere, even paged him off Carla’s pager when she wasn’t looking. He’s left the premises.

Despite him apparently walking out on shift – and my own spectacular lapse of ethics earlier – I can’t leave. So I spend another agonizing two hours on shift, mainly wanting to puke and still feeling unpleasantly slimey in the boxer department. I’m morosely bidding goodbye to the job I love, even feeling nostalgic for my (horrible) interactions with the janitor.

As soon as I’m off shift I change quickly and take Sasha over to his apartment. Only he’s not there either. He doesn’t answer the door and unless he’s got a door cam or something then he can’t know it’s me hammering on the wooden panels.

Doctor Cox and Jordan are currently on an off stage of their torturous relationship, so she’s not there either to potentially tell me where he is.

My third attempt is successful; he’s at the bar he hangs around at near his place. I very tentatively approach him and sit on the empty bar stool next to him. He’s ignoring me, looking down at the scotch he’s cradling.

The barkeep glances at me and I gesture at Doctor Cox. I’m a bit scared to say anything, so I guess I’ll just order more scotch. I think if I say the word ‘appletini’ right now then he might just explode from rage. Ragecano.

The barkeep shoves two scotches at us, causing Doctor Cox to down the one he was cradling and then switch to the fresh one. I bite my lip, trying to think of something to say. To my surprise, he breaks the silence:

“I hope to God you’ve showered Newbie.”

I haven’t, actually, I was too worried about trying to find him. I make a weird scoffing noise to myself in the hope he’ll think that’s an affirmative, then glance at him nervously.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Doctor Cox.”

He smirks without any humor and then drains his glass. “You’re sorry, are you Lisa?”

“Yeah.”

He slams the scotch glass down and finally looks at me. I kinda wish he wasn’t looking at me, there’s anger and something else, something unidentified, simmering in his eyes.

“What _exactly_ are you sorry for?”

I stare at him blankly for a moment. “Well… you know, the obvious. What… what you just…” I can’t keep meeting his gaze and more and look down at my hands. “What you just saw me doing.”

I hear him scoff and then take the scotch from in front of me and down it. “I saw you being done, not doing anything.”

I flush and try to blink back the tears that have infuriatingly just materialized in my eyes. He’s not sounding disgusted or anything, it’s just the old shame I can feel trying to claw it’s way out of me, like some twisted monster.

“I hope you cleaned that damn mess up you made.”

Oh God, he saw _that_? I didn’t realize he was there then, how long was he just standing there watching?

I flinch and then stand up, throwing a twenty to the barkeep, despite Doctor Cox just drinking my drink.

“I… I’m gonna hand in my notice, so-“

He glances up at me sharply. “You’re going to _what_?”

I look back at him furiously, managing to keep the watery sheen from my eyes that I know is inevitably going to appear soon. Keep this quick, don’t just burst into tears, Dorian.

“Hand in my notice. You know, since I broke the Hippocratic oath and-“

He shakes his head, eyes narrowed. “Newb, I’m not concerned with some oath sworn to some guy who’s been dead for over two millennia. Don’t hand in your notice.”

“Well, it’s about the ethics of the thing, isn’t it?”

He blinks and looks confused for a moment. Then he sighs. “Does the patient think that you took advantage of him in any way?”

“No.”

“To be honest, Newb, that hadn’t even crossed my mind.”

He looks tired. I’d normally try to figure out what’s going on, but I am definitely going to cry soon and need to get out of here about five minutes ago. But I’m confused by what he’s just said so start asking:

“If you didn’t think of the ethics then why did you just walk out and-“

He suddenly looks furiously angry. “Why didn’t you lock the goddamn _door_?”

“I wasn’t exactly thinking things through.”

“I did notice. You fucking _idiot_ , Newbie. Get the hell out of here, you make me so goddamn angry.”

I get about ten minutes through the drive home before it gets too much and I have to pull over and sob miserably into the handlebars of Sasha, clinging onto the cold metal of her, trying to eke some comfort from her.

It doesn’t work.

\- - - - -

The next few days are horrendous.

I kinda just wish I’d resigned. Gone to Ted and listened to his pitiable whines, but at least I wouldn’t have had to put up with this. Doctor Cox either ignores me or he makes snarky comments. Little things that normally wouldn’t even mean anything. Pointed comments about “cleaning up that mess” when we’re diagnosing a patient. Asking why I’m walking funny. On one particular occasion snapping “ _come_ along, Newbie”.

And the names… Kylie. Bindi. Skippy the bush kangaroo.

I mean, _that’s_ when he can bear to be in a room with me. Which isn’t often. He’s generally avoiding me.

Like I’m not feeling bad enough about doing it.

So I start avoiding him. That… that doesn’t go well.

Turk, Carla and Elliot all seem to notice that something’s up, but I think Doctor Cox’s foul temper and my off-the-scale level of depression make them too worried to actually ask what’s going on. I’m glad about that. I’d have no idea what to say.

But anyway, after a couple days of wanting to die whenever I’m in the room with him, I try to emulate Doctor Cox’s strategy and avoid him. I’m pretty good at it too. I know all the places he frequents at Sacred Heart and I can quite often guess where he’ll likely be with decent levels of accuracy.

The thing is, he realizes that I’m avoiding him. He doesn’t take that well. The first time he catches me at the nurses’ station. It’s a public place and so he can’t really tear me a new one, but that’s when he lets out some of the more vicious comments in a rant at me about acting like a goddamn _professional_ Newbie and that he wasn’t going to put up with my behavior and me acting the way I was. I stared at my hands throughout the entire thing and then sloped off, hoping people would just think that he was being Coxish.

He caught up with me, seized me by the shoulder and hissed at me to stop being so goddamn obvious and not to _dare_ try to avoid him. He needed to know what I was doing and where I was at all times in case my pants miraculously fell off all over again. Then stalked off and I bit my lip, holding back the urge to cry again.

I kept avoiding him. Every time I see him I want to cry. He won’t let me forget it or move on.

The second time he catches me hiding in the on call room. There’s no one else around and he just stares at me for a second, likely seeing how scared I am, then oddly backs off and leaves without saying a word. I guess he’s so disgusted that he can’t even think what to say.

And I had thought he had stopped because of that – that we had nothing more to say to one another. That was two days ago. But I just felt his hand clamp down on my shoulder again and he’s propelling me towards the nearest room.

I realize which one it is and start to struggle against him, but he just shoves me through the door of examination room five and then follows me in, slamming the door behind him.

I’m dead.

\- - - - -

I pointedly lock the door behind me and then lift an eyebrow at Newbie, who looks like he’s about five seconds away from pissing himself.

“See? Lock, Newbie.”

He takes a couple steps backwards, terrified blue eyes darting around the room, looking anywhere but at the examination table. He wraps his arms around himself and stares at me miserably.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Doing what?”

“ _This!_ Tormenting me. Not letting me move on. I _said_ I would report it and you said not to. I don’t know what you want me to do!”

I narrow my eyes. “If you hadn’t noticed, Newbie, I’ve been _trying_ not to even be in the same room with you alone.”

“Yeah, and I get it! You’re disgusted with me! _I’m_ disgusted with me too.”

“I said _alone_ , Newbie.”

He blinks, apparently confused. “But… but you have been. You are now.”

I sigh and rub a hand over my eyes. “Yeah, Newbie, because you keep avoiding me _in front of other people_. How obvious do you damn well want to be? I figured this was the only way to get some goddamn sense into you.”

“And… and you keep being mean to me…”

“For God’s sake Newbie, you’ve _really_ pissed me off. Of course I’m ‘being mean’ to you.”

“But I offered to do the right thing and-“

“ _That’s_ not what pissed me off, you moron. And… and I’ve been trying to avoid being alone with you because it’s so much of a goddamn temptation, alright?”

He’s looking utterly baffled, his arms still wrapped around himself. I sigh and lean against the wall, massaging my temples, making sure I’m keeping a distance from him.

“I don’t understand,” he mumbles to himself.

I keep my hand over my eyes, continuing to knead at my forehead. “Of course you don’t. You’re all goddamn sweetness and light, you wouldn’t understand.”

I pull my hand down and notice he’s taken a couple tentative steps towards me. I feel panic crawl up my spine in response. “Stay where you are.”

He freezes and wraps his arms around himself tighter. “What do you mean?”

I sigh again. “Newbie, just pretend for a moment that you’re not you and are, in fact, a total bastard. Imagine you found a colleague… let’s say _Barbie_ -“ I spit the name of his ‘dream girl’ out like it tastes foul- “in a compromising position with a patient. How would you feel?”

He stares at me with wide eyes. “Shocked?”

“Well, yeah, shocked is a given, Phyllis. Particularly with her, she’d likely snap if she was bent over the way you were, she’s so damn rigid. But remember that I said that you were a total bastard. What else would you feel?”

“Well, if it was Elliot I’d probably feel jealous, but I’m guessing that’s not what you mean.”

Oh my _God_ , he is so utterly obtuse. He at least seems to be thinking now and I’m certainly not going to admit to jealousy, despite how much that particular emotion has been churning through my stomach recently. Been streaked through my dreams and nightmares, that look of pleasure on his face before he realized I was there.

“Are you… do you mean _blackmail_?”

I fold my arms and growl: “She shoots, she scores.”

“Blackmail her into doing what? Helping me out at work? What, _money_? I guess she has money.”

He really is this innocent, isn’t he? Goddamn it, I’m actually going to have to spell it out for him. He’s softly chuntering away to himself still:

“But I don’t have money, so you can’t mean that. I… I don’t think I have _anything_ that you want. And you can’t have Sasha, not that you’d want her… or Rowdy…”

I stalk forwards and catch him by the hair, the way that Australian fucker was doing. He immediately shuts up and stares at me with large frightened eyes.

“Are you really this naïve, Newbie? This dense? What do you _think_ I’m being tempted to blackmail you into? Why would I be avoiding being alone with you? Why would I use _Barbie_ of all people, as an analogy?”

I see the exact moment that he catches on to what I’m saying, his eyes widening. I let go of his hair like I’ve been burnt and back off, retreating to the wall, feeling horribly vulnerable.

“You… you mean _sex_?”

“I’m not a decent person, Newb, I know this. I just want things to go back to how they were, alright? You being a moron and not picking up on anything and being… just goddamn being _you_ , not this miserable, sad excuse for a Newbie you are right now. Not having that goddamn image of you being fucked by that bastard seeming to be burnt into my retinas.”

“You mean _sex_?”

“Yes, dammit Newbie, I mean sex, get over that part.”

He opens and closes his mouth. “I don’t understand, if you aren’t angry about what I did-“

“Newbie, I’m angry with you for just damn well doing that – after I spent a lot of my precious time trying to keep you away from that using bastard – but I’m mainly angry that I can’t trust myself around you any more.”

“Because of the sex blackmail thing?”

I narrow my eyes at him. He still looks confused and then continues: “But you’re not gay.”

“No, Newbie, I’m not gay. I am, in fact, bi, which you should be picking up on for various reasons by this point. For one thing, you being bi should give you a hint that-“

“I’m not bi!”

I’m surprised by his interruption and the flushed, angry look on his face. I lift an eyebrow.

“Really? So, you having sex with that guy was just in my imagination?”

He looks away and mumbles something to himself, then more clearly says: “Yeah, I’m bi.”

“Color me shocked.”

“How would this whole sex blackmail thing work?”

He’s looking oddly intrigued and has paced forward, narrowing the gap between us. I frown.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… how would you even do that? What would you say?”

He’s taken another step forward and I reverse slightly. “Newbie, I-“

“Tell me.”

He’s looking shockingly confident, his gaze focused on me unerringly. I stare back at him, feeling wrong-footed.

“I told you, I’m avoiding you to _not_ say those things.”

He’s narrowed the gap even further, getting dangerously close.

“Say those things.”

“I don’t want to, Newbie.” _It scares me that I could_.

“Say it.”

He’s so close now, inches away from my face. I can see his dilated pupils, hear his elevated breathing, see the flush of color on his skin.

 _He’s turned on_ , I realize, shocked. Dirty little Newbie.

I lift an eyebrow, then catch his hair, but keep my grip gentle. Stroke a finger down his cheek, keeping all my actions gentle to try to tell myself that the horrendous things I’m about to say are balanced by this careful treatment. Press my nose against his and gaze into his eyes before I growl out what I’ve been trying to keep bottled up:

“You’re going to do the same for me so I don’t tell, Newbie.”

He narrows his eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. On the same goddamn table.”

He’s trying not to grin. “Oh, yeah?”

“And you’re going to _enjoy_ it, Newbie. Way more than you did with that bastard.”

“Oh, am I?”

He’s leant forward and brushed his lips gently against mine, then grinned. “You’re a dirty bastard, Doctor Cox.”

“Takes one to know one, Newbie.”

He tries to kiss me and I pull back, holding his face in place. “Newbie…”

“What? I don’t want you to tell…”

He trails kisses up my jaw and I drop a hand to softly massage the base of his skull.

“I’m not going to tell, Newbie. You don’t need to do this.”

“No… but I want to…”

I kiss him hard.

\- - - - -

I manhandle him roughly to the examination table and shove him hard into it, not breaking the kiss. I pull back to pant into his ear: “We playing this game, Newb?”

“If we are then we’re the wrong way around.”

“What?”

He spins us around and then pushes me hard against the examination table and growls: “Sit” into my ear.

I guess if he was examining the guy then that makes sense. I quirk an eyebrow at him and lift myself up onto the table. Then smirk.

“Put the gloves on, Newbie.”

He grins. “Oh, you noticed that?”

“Oh, Patty, that image is seared into my mind. I know _exactly_ what you were and were not wearing.”

He stays grinning and snaps a pair of latex gloves on, then practically struts back to the table. I feel my smirk widen.

“You’re confident, Newb.”

“Hm. Yeah. Pants off.”

I give him a soft growl and then drag my scrubs pants and underwear down, kicking them off along with my shoes and socks. He glances down and then kisses me again. I catch him and press him hard against me as I push my tongue into his mouth, dominating it. He groans softly into my mouth and then wraps his arms around my neck. I drop a hand down and squeeze his ass, something I’ve been damn well _longing_ to do for years. It’s even better than I imagined.

He pulls back, softly kisses my lower lip and then breathes: “You’re not playing the game right.”

“I only know how the game ends, Newbie.”

“Then you need to follow my lead.”

He suddenly drops down onto his knees and practically swallows my rock hard cock down into his throat. My head falls back and I moan softly.

“Oh… oh, Jesus, JD.”

He makes a sloppy gagging noise and pulls back, swirling his tongue around me and then sucking hard. He keeps the movement up, sliding his mouth up and down the length of me, occasionally changing the angle or using his tongue and throat to work over me. He grabs my hand and then puts it into his hair, pressing my hand against his head to push him down lower.

“He didn’t _make_ you do this, right?”

He pulls back to breathe and then looks up at me. I gently twirl his hair through my fingers.

“No… of course not. He kind of… nudged me towards it, is all. And you wanted to do the same things, only you wanted to do them better, right?”

“How’m I doing?”

He smirks. “So-so.”

I shove him back down onto my cock and feel him giggle.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” I growl down at him and hear him giggle again as a result. His fingers are softly stroking my balls as he works my erection with his mouth, throat and tongue. Fuck, the kid is _good_ at this, no wonder the confident little bastard was strutting around earlier. Here was me thinking he’d be all terrified and awkward.

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have felt so terrible about those thoughts I’ve been having if I’d known what a dirty, sexually aggressive little bastard he was. He’s _enjoying_ this.

After another minute or so I pull him off. He makes a soft whine as I do so and I drag him up to kiss him hard. Those ridiculous pouty lips of his are swollen and wet and I lap at them, nipping at his lower lip. His eyelashes flutter and I softly kiss him.

“What’s next? Do I…?”

I’m sliding a hand down to his crotch, but he catches it. “No… not if you’re wanting to play this game.”

To be honest, I kind of want to back out of the whole game thing. I just want to do what I’ve always wanted to do to him, not emulate some little tryst that upset him so much.

“Newb, let’s-“

He’s kicking his pants and underwear off, then pulls off his left shoe and gently moves me away from the examination table to get into position. Then he looks back over his shoulder at me. “What? Don’t you want to fuck me?”

My mouth goes dry. “You know I do.”

“Better than he did?”

I slap his ass hard. “You bet this sweet ass I do.”

I drop a hand down to cup his balls and then stroke his cock. Fuck, he’s rock hard and throbbing. He presses back against me and I sigh quietly.

“Not like this.”

He looks back at me, confused. “But I thought-“

I roll him onto his back gently and pull his other shoe off, sliding his socks off and then stroking his heel softly. “I want to see your face.”

_And I don’t want you to think about that, about how bad that whole thing made you feel. I just want you to see me, to feel me._

_Only me, beautiful._

I get the lube and quickly apply it, sliding two fingers into him, watching his eyes roll in pleasure, watch his full lips part and his eyelashes flutter. He’s tight, God, he’s so tight and hot.

“Yuh… you need to put something on,” he grinds out. “Now. And fuck me.”

Put something on? Oh… oh, fuck.

I slide in a third finger and he moans gutturally.

“I don’t have anything, Newbie. I don’t carry rubbers around on a daily basis.”

“Oh… oh fuck it…”

He rolls his head back and stares at the ceiling, then screws his eyes up and whines: “I need it _now_ , Perry…”

“He… he had a condom?”

“ _Yes_.”

That piece of shit. He’d planned it all out. I glare at nothing for a second, then JD says “oh” suddenly.

“Had a sudden brainwave?”

“Yeah. Look in the spare bottle of hand sanitizer.”

I frown. “What?”

“Just do it.”

Very disturbingly, there is indeed a condom in the bottle of hand sanitizer behind the main one. It appears to have been emptied out to make room. I stare at it.

“Oh, look at that. What the hell, Newbie?”

“It’s not me, alright, that’s the Todd’s trademark emergency rubber. They’re all over the damn hospital.”

“Well, remind me to replace it, we don’t want him impregnating anyone and cursing the world with more of his genetic material.”

Good Lord, it’s bright yellow. I’ll make sure Newbie doesn’t see that.

I tear the packet open and quickly roll it on, before grasping Newbie under the knees.

“You ready?”

He wraps his legs around my waist, arches his body and then groans “yes, please”.

How very polite. I thrust into him hard.

Jesus. He’s hot and tight and feels fucking _amazing_. He lets out a soft cry and his head falls back onto the table.

“Oh… oh God…”

I pull nearly all the way out and then slam back into him, eliciting a quivering moan from him. His cock twitches hard and I gently stroke his thighs.

“You alright?”

He levers himself up onto his elbows and nods. I grasp him firmly by the hips and start to thrust into him. He stays in the slightly awkward position, watching me, occasionally gasping. I release one of his hips and gently cup his face.

“Fuck, JD, you feel so good.”

“So do you.”

His eyes roll again and then he slumps back onto the table as I hit his prostate, letting out a yelping noise. I grab his hips and angle him carefully to try and keep recreating that sensation for him. I’m rewarded by him letting out a soft “oh God, Perry, that’s amazing”.

I’ve realized that I’ve mistimed this. Him doing that – frankly – amazing blow job on me means I’m further along than he is. He’s also had sex more recently than me (don’t think about that) and he’s not getting any direct stimulation to his cock. If I try I’ll lose this angle, which he’s clearly enjoying. He’s sprawled on his back, trembling and nearly sobbing with pleasure, his legs occasionally spasming around my waist, panting out a litany of “don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop”, hands twisting into claws and digging into the material of the table.

“Fuck…” I growl out.

“Yes, keep fucking, _please_.”

“No, Newb, I’m… fuck, I’m going to come soon and you’re-“

“Just don’t slow down.”

I do the opposite, speeding up, slapping hard against him, hearing the damn table start squeaking underneath us, protesting the violent movement. Newbie apparently changes his litany to “yes, yes, yes, oh, yeah, yes, yeah, just like that”.

“Oh, you’re amazing,” I grunt out. He lets out a sharp cry and drools precome all over his scrubs top.

This is apparently enough to tip me over the edge and I orgasm hard, thrusting into him a couple more times and then hanging onto his hips with a vise-like pressure as the pleasure hits me, making my legs shake as I seem to endlessly pulse hard into him.

I drag a breath into my lungs and then slide out, pulling him upright so he’s sat on the edge of the examination table. I kiss him hard, then drop a hand down to start jerking him off. He twitches and spasms against me. I press a smooch to his forehead and then rest mine against his, staring into his dazed eyes. He looks completely overwhelmed.

“You going to come for me?”

“Yuh… yeah…”

“Yeah?”

He thrusts into my hand slightly and moans. “Yeahhh.”

“Atta boy.”

He’s trembling against me, making soft little whimpers. I kiss him softly and then tell him: “You feel _so good_ , JD.”

He suddenly twitches hard against me and I capture his lips in a searing kiss as he starts to orgasm fiercely, coating my hand and his scrubs top in his release. His breath is hitching hard, even when he seems to finally stop coming and wraps his arms around my neck. He kisses along my jaw line and to my ear, then whispers: “Don’t tell”.

I grin my best predatory smirk and pull back, about to continue the game. Then freeze.

He’s crying, tears running down his face, clearly trying to stop himself from sobbing. My eyes widen.

“Shit. JD, what-?”

He shakes his head and then drags his sleeve across his eyes. “Sorry. Total boner killer, I know.”

He pushes me gently out the way and slides off the examination table, picking up his scattered clothing and quickly and efficiently pulling it back on. I stare after him, feeling like a total idiot. A total idiot wearing no pants, but wearing a white coat. And, Jesus, a stethoscope. Like something out of a cheap porno.

“Newbie, what’s wrong?”

He shakes his head again and crouches down to start lacing his shoes. When he speaks his voice is wobbling.

“Like I said… please don’t tell.”

“Newbie, I _told_ you, I’m not going to tell anyone about you and Emmerson, that’s-“

“Not that.”

“Then what?”

He stands up, still not looking at me.

“I’m… I’m straight.”

He abruptly flees out of the room, quickly unlocking the door and hurtling out.

I start to slowly get dressed.

\- - - - -

I’ve done it again.

Of all the stupid, dumb things to do, _I did it again_.

In the same damn room and _everything_.

I stare up into the night sky, raindrops spattering onto my face. At least they wash away the embarrassing tears. Wash off the come that’s splattered up my top.

That’s what scrubs are designed for, right? Bodily fluids?

I don’t actually know what’s worse. Doing it with a patient or with… oh God, with Doctor Cox.

Ethically it’s definitely the patient.

But it didn’t _mean_ anything with Noah. It was just sex.

That… what just happened then was not just sex. I barely ever even kiss guys when I have sex with them and that was… God, that was _passionate_. His kisses made me feel like my skin was on fire. I felt like I was drowning every time he wasn’t pressed against me, every time he wasn’t kissing me, like his mouth on mine was as essential and integral as oxygen. I felt alive, I felt _amazing_.

I’ve never had sex like that. Even with Elliot, even with my ‘dream girl’, it didn’t feel like that. Not with girls, not with guys, not with anyone.

Oh God. Oh no. Oh God, _what have I done?_

\- - - - -

I’m Newbie hunting.

He’s not doing this. I’ve no idea what the problem is, but he’s not running away. He’s _not_ , he’s not allowed.

My shift ended over an hour ago. I don’t berate Newbies on clinical time. Then have mind-blowing sex with them when they get weirdly turned on by how much of a horrible person I am.

Newbie’s still on shift. He’ll still be on hospital grounds somewhere, even if he’s totally useless and unable to actually respond to a medical issue he won’t actually leave. He’s too much of a stickler for the rules.

I mean, those rules that aren’t about not having sex on shift. Filthy little Newbie.

I’ve looked in the lounge and the on call room, without any luck. He’s not in the other examination rooms or lurking in the various bathrooms. The janitor is, but I told him to go sodomize himself with his mop when he tried to bother me.

It’s raining heavily outside. I glance out the window, at the spattered raindrops throwing themselves into the glass. It was raining when we were having sex, although I barely noticed.

It’s cold and miserable and the sort of weather only a total moron would be out in.

Ah. Right.

As expected, he’s on the roof. He’s drenched, his hair plastered against his skull, scrubs saturated with rainwater. He’s hugging himself, staring up at the falling rain. Water’s running constantly down his face, dripping off his chin.

“JD.”

He doesn’t look back at me, continues staring up at the sky. I walk over to him and gently put a hand on his shoulder, already starting to get soaked.

“JD, I hate to break this to you, but you’re definitely not straight.”

His lips quirk, a weird half smile. “Yeah. I do know.”

“You need to get out of this rain, Newbie, you’re going to get sick.”

He doesn’t seem inclined to move, so I drag him back with me to the door and shelter from the rain in the overhang there. He’s shivering and still looking away from me.

“JD, what’s wrong? What is all this? This weird game? We just had some… some _amazing_ sex, Newb. Then you start crying and claiming you’re straight and run off. I’d get it if this were… what, fifty years ago? Or you had strong religious convictions or something. But… I don’t understand, JD.”

He’s still looking away from me and I catch his face and force him to look at me. “Please. I want to understand.”

He looks up into my eyes. I feel like I’ve been punched, there’s such pain and fear in his expression. Then he looks away from me again. I think he’s shutting me out, until he starts to speak:

“I know it’s ridiculous. I _do_. I know it’s nothing to be ashamed of, I know that. I can logically see that.”

“But… but what? You don’t feel that? _Why_ , JD?”

He pauses for a second. When he starts speaking again his voice is weirdly emotionless. “When I was a teenager, my Mom and Dan thought I might be into boys. They weren’t exactly supportive, but they weren’t against it, if that makes sense?”

“Sure. Not exactly unusual.”

“Yeah, I think they were mainly worried. I’d always been a bit… a bit _girly_ , as you like to point out.” I wince. “They were just worried about my getting bullied or something. But that all changed when Mom got married again. My new stepfather was… well, he was _very_ anti. And Dan was still pretty young and impressionable and started to take cues from him. They’d call me names when Mom wasn’t around.”

I put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Newb.”

He laughs softly. “Oh, I’m not like this because Dan and Trevor sometimes called me names. It upset me, but… oh, not enough to try to pretend to be something else. I just spent more time out of the house. Stayed with friends. That kinda thing.”

He sighs. “I met a guy. From high school. He was on the football team, actually, he was quite jockish. I… I really liked him. We started messing around, y’know? Just… not in public, he was _super_ closeted and… oh, ashamed of himself. He’s married now, actually, got two kids. Which is weird, since I’m pretty sure he was gay rather than bi.”

He pauses again, then sounds strained when he speaks again. “I lost my virginity to him. We couldn’t do anything at his place, ‘cos he wanted his parents to keep thinking he was the all-American dream. He didn’t want to risk that. So we went to my place. Everyone was supposed to be out. Only… well, Trevor walked in on us. Kind of at the same point that you did with Noah, weirdly.”

“JD…”

“He went _crazy_. Screamed at us, all kinds of horrible shit. Matt – that was the guy, he was called Matt – took off. Ran outta there and never spoke to me again, apart to tell me he’d beat the shit out of me if I ever told anyone. That didn’t stop Trevor though, he kept telling me how _disgusting_ I was, how it made him sick to see me getting fucked and enjoying it. I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do, I was just a kid. He seemed completely insane. So I tried to run too.”

“JD-“

“He pushed me down the stairs.”

He’s shaking again and I wrap my arms around him and suddenly he turns around and starts to sob into my coat, his breathing hiccoughing out of him with every word. “He told everyone I tripped and I’m such a klutz everyone believed it. He said if I told them he’d deny it and kill me. And no one would care, because who’d care if a dirty little _homo_ wasn’t-“

He’s hysterical. I press a kiss into his sodden hair and whisper: “shh, sweetheart, stop that”.

He sobs for a minute longer, then seems to pull himself together. He looks despondently up at me. “I never brought any boys home after that, just girls. And… it kinda broke me. It didn’t stop me wanting to have sex with guys, just seemed to make me not want anything more than sex with them.”

“That’s why this upset you?”

He nods. “Believe it or not, I don’t _usually_ do this after sex. Sorry to disappoint”

He drops his head down and informs my clavicle: “That was way more than sex. And… apparently that freaked the shit out of me.”

“Yeah, Newb. You don’t need to tell me that.” I unwrap one of my arms from around him and dig it into my pocket. He gives me a quizzical look and I produce the key for the Porsche.

“Now, what you’re going to do is take that fire escape over there and go down to the car lot. You’re going to sit in the Porsche – you _do not_ touch anything – and wait for me. You’re allowed to put the heater on, that’s all.”

“But I’m on shift.”

“I’ll square it away and get your stuff from your locker. _Go_ , Newbie”

“I’ll get the upholstery all-“

“I don’t care, just go.”

He gives me a worried look and then scampers off into the rain towards the fire escape. I wait until he’s gotten onto it and then turn back to the door to glare at the sasquatch I already know is lurking there, opening the door into his foot.

“You do _anything_ with this-“

“I won’t-“

“Because if you do then I’ll cut you into pieces and scatter them so far and wide that even your damn squirrel army won’t have a hope of finding all of you and putting Humpty Dumpty back to- _fucking-_ gether again.”

“Like I said, I won’t. Not with something like that.”

I give him an angry look and he shrugs. “You want to get into Scooter’s locker, right?”

I sigh. “Of course you know the code.”

He grins. “Of course I do.”

\- - - - -

Newbie’s sat as far on the edge of his seat as he can, apparently trying to get as little of the leather wet as possible. I drop his bag into the back and then roughly shove him properly into the seat. “Put your seatbelt on.”

He obeys automatically. Little idiot’s shivering.

“I told you to put on the heater.”

“I wasn’t sure which it was.”

I crank it up with a sigh and then drive off. Newbie’s sat silently next to me staring at nothing. After a few minutes he suddenly pipes up with:

“I’ve never told anyone about that.”

I grunt, unsure how to respond to that. Should I say I’m flattered?

“I usually just ignore it ever happened.”

“Seems a good coping mechanism.”

“Don’t tell anyone, please.”

I sigh again. “Who would I tell, Newbie? _Why_ would I tell them?”

There’s another pause. “Please?”

“Of course I won’t damn well tell anyone, JD.”

“Thank you.”

He’s still shivering and I put my foot down on the gas to get us back into the warm quicker.

\- - - - -

“Strip.”

I give Doctor Cox a confused look. “What?”

“Strip and get in the goddamn shower, you’re freezing.”

He’s already pulling his clothes off and I realize with a start that we’re both still wearing scrubs. I start to struggle out of mine and then pause when I see him naked.

Obviously, I’ve already seen him naked – actually a few times, but very recently today – but I was kind of distracted at the time.

Oh my _God_ , he’s gorgeous. It’s like a diagram showing the musculature of an adult body. And he’s tan and broad shouldered and… oh my _God_ , he’s got a really nice co-

“Newbie, delighted as I am that you’re finally apparently noticing that you don’t need to drool over complete strangers when there’s something much better closer to home, can you please hurry up?”

His gaze is softened though and he’s looking quite pleased. I hurriedly kick the rest of my clothes off and let him pull me under the hot water.

“Why d’you keep staring down there, Newb? You got a pretty up close and personal view of it earlier.”

“Sorry.”

“It seems to have a pretty strong impact on you.”

He’s stroking my erection and I flush. “Sor-“

“If you say sorry one more time I’m going to drown you.”

“My apologies…” he gives me a warning glance. “Just you’re really hot.”

He kisses me hard and then calls me a moron. Then frowns.

“Actually, that reminds me of something. It felt a bit unbalanced earlier.”

“What do you mean?”

He answers this by dropping down onto his knees and taking me into his mouth. I yelp and nearly slip and he pauses to look up and roll his eyes at me.

“If you could _try_ to not fall over and break your neck while I’m doing it that’d be appreciated.”

“I’ll try.”

I stare down at him in shock as he starts up and then groan at the sight of my slippery, wet erection sliding down his throat. I brace my hands against his shoulders, lean back against the wall and angle my head up so the hot water’s running down my face and streaming down my body.

It’s the second time I’ve been standing with water running down my face today. This one’s definitely preferable.

\- - - - -

“You’re drinking scotch,” I yell through to the bedroom. He whines back at me and I roll my eyes.

“It’s medicinal, Newbie.”

I stalk through, carrying two glasses. He gives me a grumpy look from where he’s snuggled down in my bed. Activities in the shower continued into the bedroom, to our mutual satisfaction. He didn’t cry at the end this time as well, which was an improvement.

He sips it and grimaces. “Why don’t you have anything that tastes less like fire?”

“Just drink it. It’ll warm you up.” I’m pretty sure he’s going to at least get a head cold.

“Yucky.”

“Yes, yes, yucky. I’ll buy something else for you to indulge in next time…”

I give him a sidelong glance. He doesn’t seem to have reacted to that, which I’m taking as a positive. From what he said earlier, the fact he’s still around and not run out the door’s a pretty unusual step with him.

“JD?”

“Yeah?”

He looks back at me, clutching the scotch. I try not to register how adorable he looks in case he shoots me down in the next minute or so. That’ll make it way more depressing. If he does then I’ll just tell myself he was ugly and a lousy lay.

Total lies, of course, but I’m good at lying to myself.

“I want there to be a next time.”

He drinks some more scotch and shudders. “Yeah, me too.”

I give him a surprised look and he suddenly looks pissed off. “Were you not _listening_? ‘It was way more than just sex’ and ‘I’ve never told anyone about that’ didn’t give you a hint?”

Well, yeah, when he puts it like that…

I down my scotch and put the glass on the bedside table. He apparently tries to emulate me and chokes. I sigh and take his glass from him.

“Alright, I get it. No adult drinks for you.”

He mutters something to himself and I pull him up against my chest. He gives me a suspicious look. “You don’t snuggle.”

“Nope.”

“What’s this?”

“Aftercare from your hysterical outburst earlier.”

“Right.”

I kiss his hair and run a hand down his spine. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

There’s a pause while he seems to be thinking. “I still can’t believe I did that.”

“What?”

“You know… had sex with a patient. It was so stupid. Even for me.”

Hm. I have my own views on that. That bastard even had a condom with him. And he could see Newbie was clearly very taken with him, he was like a damn schoolgirl with a crush. I’m pretty sure if someone was taken advantage of, it definitely wasn’t the patient. I relate something similar to Newbie, who gives me a tired look.

“It’s still unprofessional and unethical. You can’t just lay all the blame on him because… because I’m _cute_ or whatever.”

I pull a face. “You aren’t cute.”

“Thanks,” he mutters sarcastically.

“No, you aren’t. You’re… well, many things. Infuriating. Annoying. Needy. Clingy. I wouldn’t call you cute though. Sexy maybe. Or gorgeous.”

_Beautiful. Perfect. Astounding. Strong._

“You really think that?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh,” he beams at me. “You’re pretty hot too.”

“I know.”

He rolls his eyes and snuggles up against me. Then he frowns. “What exactly are we?”

“Clinically narcistic and clinically insane.”

“You know what I mean.”

I sigh. “Newb, I don’t go into all this shit about dating, dating and exclusive, dating and exclusive and polyamorous or whatever the hell. If I’m with someone then I’m with them, alright?”

“Alright. Just… just…”

“What’s up?”

He looks miserably down. “I’m not ready to… to be public.”

I think about what he said. About his bastard step-father pushing him down the stairs and telling him he’d kill him if he told anyone. His traumatic first time that seemed to so badly warp his psyche that he started crying when he realized he’d been kidding himself that he didn’t have romantic feelings for men.

“I get that. But that’s… this is a holding pattern, alright? You need to get the hell out of it. I’m not going to be your secret hot boyfriend or whatever you’re currently daydreaming of.”

“It was secret sexy boyfriend, _actually_.”

“Sure.”

“Better alliteration.”

“If this thing has legs then I’m not sneaking around. Just because you haven’t come to terms with your sexuality doesn’t mean you inflict that shit on me.”

He looks at me in surprise. “You’d want people to know?”

“I mean… I’m not envisioning some sort of chick flick announcements or shit like that. But if I can’t bitch about you to someone then I’ll inevitably go insane and murder you.”

“You wouldn’t mind people knowing you like guys?”

“Stop projecting onto me. Plenty of the staff know I swing both ways. Just because I don’t go on about it or dance around a rainbow flag doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of it.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, you’re a girl.”

“Ah. Yeah I forgot that.”

I kiss his forehead. “Anyway, like I said, we see where this shit goes. We’ll deal with things when we need to.”

He rolls onto his side and closes his eyes. Then he glances up at me.

“Um, Perry?”

“Yeah?”

“I lied.”

“Which time?”

“When I said I wasn’t sure which was the heater in the Porsche so I didn't try any of the dials. I think I changed your radio station.”

Little rat bastard.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this one. It doesn't quite feel finished to me; this "chapter" is, but I can think of a few ways to continue it. Please let me know if you'd like me to :)


End file.
